One of those days...

Today is one of those days where I'm mad and angry at the world. I have absolutely no motivation at work and just don't care about anything right now. I know that is such a bad attitude to have, but I just can't help the way I feel. I see so many pregnant people, it just seems they are everywhere. Or perhaps I just notice it more than the average person because I would give anything to be pregnant again.

I'm constantly thinking about the triplets. I have their little portrait in a 2x3 frame on my desk and I often catch myself starring at it during the day. I had a dentist appointment yesterday at 3:00pm which was a really bad time of the day considering it's the middle of January and year-end close. January is always such a busy month for us Accountants. I would normally never schedule an appointment for mid day during January but when I made the appointment back in July 2008 I was 14 weeks pregnant and I remember telling the Hygienist that it could be any time because I would be on Maternity Leave. It just seems that everything is such a constant reminder of what I lost. Everyday I walk into work and realize that I shouldn't be here right now, instead I should be enjoying my Maternity leave.

The days seem to be going by very slowly as I'm approaching the February 9th date. It just seems everyone around me is pregnant. I hate having these jealous feelings, but I just can't help myself. I keep asking "when will it be my turn?". Will all this heartache eventually lead to something positive? I know they say you are never given more than you can handle, but I think that I've been through enough and I can't take any more disappointments.

I used to be such an optimistic & happy person before I lost the triplets. I had such a great childhood and grew up in such a loving family. Everything I wanted in life came so easy and without struggle. But now there is one thing that I want so badly that I may never get. I feel so helpless and frustrated. I know we are doing everything we possible can, but will it be enough??? Will I ever have a biological child? These thoughts run through my mind constantly during the day and wake me in the middle of nights.

On a brighter note, we did have a fun night this past Friday. We went out to a really nice restaurant in Minneapolis called Fogo De Chao with 5 couples from our Neighborhood. It's a Brazilian Restaurant that is just fabulous. I think I gained about 4lbs from overeating. It's very expensive but well worth it. After dinner we headed back to our house and played Wii RockBand till 1:30am.