Memorial Day

Today we went up to the cemetery to visit the triplets. I actually did better than expected and only shed a few tears as we visited their grave. I planted some flowers up there so I've been going to the cemetery every couple of days to water and each time I cry as I water their flowers.

I'm 17 weeks today and the anxiety and fears have definitely set in. My water broke at 17w6d with the triplets so this will definitely be tough week for me. I wish I could be excited and optimistic about this baby growing inside of me, but the truth is I'm so scared something bad is going to happen that it's really hard for me to truly enjoy this pregnancy.

I still haven't made one purchase for this baby yet. I guess I don't want to jinx anything so I haven't let myself buy anything. It's not that I wouldn't love to go crazy at Baby's R Us and buy lots of things, I just keep telling myself that I should wait until at least 24 weeks.

I have another appointment tomorrow for a cervical check and then we have the big level II u/s on Monday, June 1st. I've still been listening to the heartbeat with the doppler a couple times a week and it's so nice to be able listen to it when I'm having tough days.

I've also started to feel this baby move, this baby is definitely more active than the triplets. But then again, maybe the triplets didn't have much room because there was 3 of them. I love feeling the baby move. After 6 long years of infertility I wondered if I would ever get to experience this so every time I feel a little flutter I stop and smile.

Attached is my 17 week belly pic. I'm getting big. I'm hungry all the time and have definitely packed on some pounds in the last couple of weeks.