While I'm very sad that this last frozen embryo transfer failed, I think I'm more depressed and angry that I lost the triplets. I'm angry that I even had to do another cycle because my family should be complete by now and we should be the proud parents of 2 little boys and 1 little girl. Our life would be so different right now.
I often find myself thinking of "What Could Have Been..."
- I remember thinking all of my days would be spent driving up to the NICU and spending every moment possible with the triplets
- I remember the anticipation of when we would get to bring the triplets home from the NICU
- I remember hoping that they would all get to come home by Christmas
- I remember imagining how different our Christmas would be this year with the addition of 3 little ones.
- I remember thinking how wonderful it would be this year to finally be a "Mommy"
- I remember trying to imagine how crazy and wild life would be with 3 little ones.
- I remember thinking about how much help we will be getting from family and friends to help care for the triplets
- I remember thinking about how many diapers we would go through in one day
However, in all those days of being pregnant with triplets I can honestly say that I was never overwhelmed at the thought of having triplets. I think I was just so excited and happy when I found out it was triplets that nothing would stand in the way of celebrating these 3 little miracles. I know people would be so overwhelmed when they heard it was triplets, but deep down inside I was just smiling and glowing because I knew what a miracle it was that all 3 embryos had made it. I'm so close to my family that I knew we would get enough support from family and friends to help raise the triplets in the first few years.
So now that leads me to today....... Today my life is filled with more sadness than I ever imagined possible. I actually didn't know that I could cry this many tears in one lifetime. I don't know what its like to feel happy anymore. Most of my days are just spent going through the motions.
I hope one day I will be able to say that I'm not in this dark place anymore and I can realize that there are brighter days ahead of me.
1 comment:
Lisa- I can say I know exactly what you mean. I had all of those feelings too. I still have those feelings of what would it have been like even to this day. It's something that will never go away. I don't think I can ever see my daughter do something and not think about her sisters doing the same. It's just so hard and so unfair.
For me, I can look back now and think that if all had worked out with my triplets I wouldn't have my son and I could NOT imagine life without him. I guess he was meant to be and is part of God's plan for the world and in order for him to be I had to lose my babies then. That is my version of it at least. It helps me accept what happened just a little more. I just pray that someday soon you will look back once you are holding your children and think the same thing.
I know after all you have been through it's hard to find something positive but the fact that you have been pregnant and knowing that it is possible is such a positive thing. I am glad you are going foward and trying again.
You are so strong and your persistance will pay off. I know God will bless you with a baby/babies.
It's time to say good bye to 2008 and may God bless you in 2009!!!
Sandy
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